a lot can happen in five years

Poking around some of my burned cd’s from a few years ago, I found a questionnaire from 2005. I laughed at how much my life has changed in just five years and decided to compare and contrast. This “year” would encompass a fiscal year of 2009-2010.

What did you spend fun money on?

2005:

1. piano lessons for kids

2. beads for me

3. stampin and scrappin supplies

4. books for read alouds

2010:

1. violin/viola/piano lessons for kids

2. yeh. That would be it.

3. Wait - heels. How could I forget my heel binge?

What happened in your life that you never expected to happen?

2005: Tom would finally decide to rehab houses instead of building new ones! YES!!

2010: Gosh, where to begin. So much happened that was unexpected. The most altering would be going back to school while working full-time.

What were your biggest achievements?

2005: Deciding to pitch a ton of things I thought we had to have – we don’t have them and we don’t miss them!

2010: Going back to school and working full time without losing my mind. Ok, half of it is gone. (ps, still pitching tons of things with no visible appearances of having done so. Nine of us bring too much into the house at an alarming rate; it is hard to keep up.)

What were your biggest challenges?

2005: Schooling the kids with joy and intent – still a challenge!

2010: Going back to school and working full time while still being a mom to seven kids.

Who surprised you this year? In what way?

2005: Tom – he bought a dog – Lucy.

2010: Bob – he hired me after interviewing “16 other highly qualified women.” THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I am so honored to be a part of this team, one of the guys and your right hand “man.” I would say that you boys will not rub off on me, except I smell Paul Sebastian even as I write this.

Mr. D - finally decided to join the AF. FINALLY. FINALLY. And actually liking it.

What was your favorite TV show?

2005: Survivor followed by Lost and then 24

2010: Lost - no time for tv, really AT ALL while going to school. It is a bummer. I miss TV. I miss a lot of things and people. :(

What is on your wish list?

2005: a digital camera that takes photos that don’t look like digital

2010: a great lens for indoor sports shots. (I know you think I fell off the face of the earth, but rest assured I write all the time, you just don’t see it, and I take thousands of photos still, I just don’t have the time to upload them. Just for the swim season alone, I took 999 good shots. I don’t know why I didn’t take that 1,000^th good shot. )

What were your favorite phrases?

2005: “who did this?”

2010: "who did this?" ok, Z, I’m stealing your line: “It’s tricky….”

What was your favorite food?

2005: Ice cream as usual…

2010: food… I think I remember that… Mostly anything I don’t have to cook. No time to cook. Seriously, how do women who work full time cook??? When does it happen?

What was the most important lesson you learned?

2005: We are here to serve others, but most people don’t think so!

2010: oh the lessons…. The many, many lessons. How about one…. Trust no one, especially the ones who say, “You can trust me.” Ha.

What was the best gift you gave?

2005: Heidi’s flip flops signed by Trace Adkins

2010: uh…. :-X

What was your most extravagant purchase? What is your newest tech item?

2005: Direcway – satellite internet service for both questions. (2010 - Bah hate direcway/hughesnet and it is STILL extravagant.)

2010: laptop for school

What should you have done more of?

2005: Being joyful in all things!

2010: Cleaning, but…. When? When to do anything anymore.

What should you have done less of?

2005: Cleaning – ok, seriously, throwing less temper tantrums abut the kids’ messes.

2010: uh… I would say working and schooling, but that is mandatory right now. Less of... Less of... worrying?

What made you sad?

2005: Seeing my kids grow up so fast and Tom not being able to spend much time with them.

2010: losing people I love.

What gave you joy?

2005: Melodie and Lauch at their wedding and seeing extended family this year at reunions and weddings.

2010: my kids finding things in life that give them joy.

What is your motto for the year?

2005: Family First – probably the motto for all the years!

2010: Only one more year and it will be over (school).

What new skills did you learn this year?

2005: Mosaics from Nancy

2010: Moving through office politics and trying not to take it personally… well, my office is fantastic, so I should rephrase to “business” politics. Maybe that means not letting those who are satisfied with mediocrity not deter me from wanting excellence. No, I’m not quite saying it right… The skill of not letting THEM get under my skin. They will never deter me from MY wanting excellence. Maybe they deter others, but not me. I still rant and rave about it, though. How about a fun skill. I would like to say Viking knit, but …. OH, wait - Kumihimo. I learned that. But I never finished my necklace.

What did you do on an average day?

2005: Clean, school the kids, cook something at the last minute, read aloud, surf the internet, take care of the baby, Mr. M.

2010: get up at 6:30, get to work by 7:40 ish….. work until 5 ish…. Get to home, do homework with kids, drive them all over creation, do my own homework, crash and burn while reading…. Get a little sleep and do it all over again the next day. It’s a very full life. Most of the time, I really like it. I just miss some things and know I have to be patient. They will come back into my life after a while. Right? That’s what I keep telling myself.

Which did you do more of? Smile or cry?

2005: Smile – I never cry except at movies or songs or things that take my breath away!

2010: hahahahahahahahhahHAHAHA. Oh my gosh!! I think the Fall of 2006 unleashed my tears for all time. But I do smile more than I cry. And I laugh a lot. I love laughing.

What do you think was your most valuable contribution?

2005: Other than schooling my children, it would have to be our sacrificially giving to Katrina victims and the Afghanistan refugees. It was great to watch the kids give away some of their favorite things.

2010: working at the school and the privilege of being a part of an incredible team to shape the entire system’s future in the most exciting ways.

What did someone say to you that surprised you?

2005: That I gave the most fun home party they’d ever been to. When I heard it more than once, I started to believe it!

2010: Bob – “You have director written all over you.” Where? I thought I scrubbed that off.

What was your most memorable journey?

2005: The one where I took stock of what is important to me in this life and where I really want to go.

2010: oh baby. The craziest and most memorable year of my life, beginning in mid-August. The journey has.not.stopped.since.

What was your fashion like?

2005: Pull on pants with elastic, nursing top with jacket, bare feet or socks, necklace with bling.

2010: Business suits with definitely female tops, heels and BLING!!

The worst thing:

2005: kid drama

2010: losing key people in my life. I desperately need them and miss them in oh so many ways. :(

There, a blog entry from me. Finally. Seriously, though, I really do write. ALL THE TIME. :)

happy easter

Well, Nancy and Theo, I took your emails and ran with it. (And I forced Miss J to become the artist to my imaginings.)


From Shakepeare's Omlet: "Alas, poor Yolk! I knew him, Horatio, after he came out of his shell - a fellow of infinite jest, of most eggscellent fancy. " (Omlet Act V, Scene I)




In his current position, Hank found it quite eggscruciating to be walking on eggshells all the time, but he was not ready to egg people on. However, he did become rather hard-boiled and eggsasperated.


His typical tricks were usually half-baked but cutting the egg in two always eggceeded everyone's eggspectations. However, tonight, something went horridly wrong and the audience scrambled to get out. After this eggcident, no one was willing to shell out for any more tickets. Great Over EZ knew when he was beaten and never practiced magic again; he later cracked.



well, I put the characters away - although they may seem a little shelltered, I am sure they are discussing the meaning of life and eggistentialism and all that jazz. Actually, they might be plotting about me behind my back. They look a little put out. I'm about to be poached, aren't I? You know what they say: One bad egg can ruin the whole bunch.

devilish, aren't I?

well, this entry is ova, as my brain is fried.... Shell I change the subject?

Christ is arisen! He is risen indeed...

Invictus

One year, when I was a little girl, I went to a small private school about 20 minutes away from home. My mom, who was a teacher elsewhere, would drop me off at an apartment, one of the very few in the tiny ‘ville’ in which I lived. This apartment building housed one of the teachers at the small private school I attended. My parents paid her to drive me to the small private school I attended and in which she taught. Got it? I was 7 or 8 at the time, a small, scrawny snip of a thing.

I never went inside to wait for her. Nope. That wasn’t apparently part of the deal for some forgotten reason.

Every morning, waiting for her to appear, I would sit in her car, waiting, waiting, waiting, just so. After she was finished beautifying herself, she would finally exit the building and drive us both to our school.

Sometimes it seemed like forever until Ms Beautified Teacher would finally make her appearance. I was parked in that car under a tremendously huge old tree. I pondered the existence of it. I pondered how they created the apartment building around the tree. They didn’t chop it down. It remained smack dab in front of the building, and the cars had to park around it. As I sat under its branches, I pondered what was happening in the square apartment, the rare square apartment. How long could it possibly take to become beautiful? Did she forget about me? I would make up games to play with myself to make the time pass more quickly. I would count and decide she would have to come out before I got to 129 or 513 or 856 or whatever.

What kind of fun I could have climbing this tree. Maybe I could climb it and see what the heck was taking her so long in getting ready (to make it more enthralling, she lived on the second floor). Maybe I would see her fluffing her big hair. Maybe I would see her applying endless amounts of make up. Maybe I could throw rocks at the window to remind her that she had someone waiting for her.

What if I had to go to the bathroom? Where could I go? How long could I hold it? At the last minute, when I got the most desperate, she would finally come out and we would go to school. The next day it would start all over again.

One particular morning, my mother dropped me off per usual. It was in the middle of winter. The dress code for this small private school was “dresses only” for the girls, with no pants underneath, even when it was cold. This morning, it was freezing, literally. I sat in her car, getting colder by the minute. I tucked my legs under me and wrapped my arms tightly around me. I saw my breath. The windows were completely covered with snow and ice and I couldn’t see out. I felt incredibly lonely. The minutes dragged on, interminably. All the fun stories ran out, and the chill went through my skinny little self. This morning felt different, yet I didn’t know why or what to do. Those who know me, and know me well, know I don’t buck the system. I follow the rules. The rule was to stay in the car until she came out. She never came out, and it was too cold. I started to cry. I hated myself for crying. But I was abandoned.

As I remember it, sometime much, much later, I think my dad spied that the car was still there when he went to the local college where he taught. He found me in that car. The small private school had been closed, and we didn’t know it. I would have sat there all day and ended up a frozen little girl, quite dead, because I don’t ever buck the rules. I do what is expected of me. I sat there, patiently, doing my duty, going the distance, waiting in the car. Yep. Stupid. I know.

Sometimes I can still become that little girl quite easily - in that world, that ice cold, freezing lonely world of doing precisely what is expected of me and yet getting absolutely nowhere. It is a horrible feeling. It makes me feel small. Trapped. Utter helplessness washes over me. Despair leaks in. When will someone see? When will someone help?

Gone are the days where my daddy would drive by and think, “Hey, something is amiss” and rescue me. Right now there is no mighty mouse.

I have to do my own rescuing.

I know the following poem is “vogue” right now… there is a film about to hit theaters, but it is a poem that for the last few years, I have thought about a lot, being between a rock and a hard place.

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
~William Ernest Henley


Sometimes I am that little girl. In fact, Wednesday and Thursday, I was that little girl. I crumbled, and for a time, let the despair once again wash over me.

Then I brushed myself off, and remembered, with my head unbowed, that I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

I am unconquered.

standing before a giant

I normally don't listen to "Christian" music, but my cd's have gone missing around here (hmmmm could it be that the kids don't like my musical tastes???? Seriously ALL of my cd's end up out of the car and in no-man's land) and I only have their cd's to grab while driving. This one song keeps going through my mind, on an endless loop; even in the middle of the night it plays in my brain.

Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth"

Oh, what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth


Do not be afraid... the thing is, I don't swim, and I need a lifeline. The waves are crashing. And the giant... he is huge.

But I am huge-er

c is for...

Beats me... what IS this thing?

I don’t know about you, but while cleaning my house, I’ll come across odds and ends and wonder, “What on EARTH do you belong to?” There is one thing in particular that I have been coming across for over a year now. It is rubber, gray, and curves into a circle – almost. It says, “I am important.” I say, “Why don’t you go around in a full circle, though?” Something triggers in my mind… a trigger that says, “I’ve seen you before once upon a time. You have use. You have purpose. I think I should keep you.” And I do.

I find it again and again as it mysteriously tends to escape, and I put it back, again and again, where I think it belongs. The front closet. I used to have a junk drawer that I threw this kind of stuff in, but I no longer have one of those. Therefore, it goes with the other gray things having unknown and mysterious yet exceptional qualities and characteristics of usefulness, in the front closet of gray-dom.

Speaking of gray, Mr. W has been sick. He’s had a fever for almost a week now and alternates between looking red hot and pasty gray. He is very chatty, and wants to watch movies with me while I do my school work. I’ve watched more Disney movies in one week than I have in years. Last night we watched Beauty and the Beast. It first came out when I was pregnant with Miss J, 17 years ago. I had morning sickness all the way until the end with her, and Mr. D was my only child. He and I watched it every day. It was the only time he was ever still. Just hearing the opening strains of the music makes me want to vomit, however. Funny, how sounds and smells can immediately elicit physical and emotional responses.

Mr. W has been through the thermometers this week. He is constantly checking to see how hot he is. I’d say he checks 20 times a day. He used the digital armpit thermometer until he accidentally dropped it while going to bathroom. Apparently he wanted to see how hot he was then, too. He washed it off, and it stopped working. His dad got him a new thermometer - a temple thermometer. We all had to play Star Trek with it, except we registered differently each time we took it. It didn’t work, despite all its coolness. I got the real guns out – the oral mercury, glass thermometer (at least I think it was the oral one. At any rate, it was thoroughly sanitized several times before I allowed Mr. W to use it). I shook it down and presented it to Mr. W with the ancient instructions of long ago: “Put this under your tongue, keep your mouth shut and don’t talk for three minutes.” It is hard for a child who has never had to do this before to “get” what all that means. It was especially hard since Mr. W loves to talk, and it was agony for him to sit still with his mouth shut for three minutes. He timed it and we’d look. That is also a talent – finding the reading of one of these babies. Mr. W has been hovering at 102. The temple thermometer had him at 97.8. It’s definitely going back, tekkie, trekkie and all.

This morning, I called for a doctor’s appointment, but since it is Monday no one examine poor little sick Mr. W until tomorrow. His entire goal is to get better for the field trip on Wednesday, which is to my college for a Veteran’s Day ceremony. The kids like it since the cafeteria (still run by Chuck) is famous among elementary students for its ice cream machine and international food options. My children come home wanting to talk about the food instead of the chapel service ;) “Mom, when you were there did you eat… Mom, where you were there did they have….” I wouldn’t know as I never ate the food when I went there. I paid my .20 a day solely for the honor of sitting with my friends who did eat the food.

Speaking of college, Hubby is off to Hoosier-land today for a funeral. His college room-mate’s dad died this week. I informed him that there is an epidemic of dads dying this year. Particularly those dads of whom he has roomed with. Steve, Dave and now Tom. Hubby corrected and informed me that Steve was a unit-mate in college, Dave was a house-mate (if you call that thing a house – it was the epitome of a hole in the wall in more ways in one), and Tom was a room-mate. The kids looked at me and asked, “Who’s next?” I’m giving you a heads up, Daddy – run!

My dad turned 83 on Oct 25^th. He has been in and out of the hospital more times this summer and fall than I can count. He had a defibrillator put in a few weeks ago and is on oxygen. Rumor has it that he weighs a whopping 160 pounds, although I am hoping that rumor is false. I don’t want to imagine my tall dad that skinny. Here he is long, long ago.



He wore these glasses or ones similar for decades. They are back in style. Of course, my funky glasses are similar to ones I wore in 3-6^th grade. I would say he wore that same flannel shirt (red, in my mind) for decades as well, but flannel doesn’t last that long. Alas, I wish it did, since my favorite polar bear jammies are flannel and I want them to last forever. I want the best things in life to last forever, but I found they don’t.

I haven’t seen my dad in 7 years and only three times briefly in the past 14 years. But he has a daily abiding presence in my life, and I have learned a lot from him. He is one of those scary-smart people and was a rocket scientist, a physicist, a professor, an accomplished musician on many instruments and could rattle his brain at will ;) . He gave me a love for music, planes, trains, photography, humor, quality TV reception, star trek and appreciating the beauty of God’s creation. He however, forgot to pass along his genes for actually playing an instrument or understanding math and science. That’s ok. I am good at using my imagination.

This morning Mr. W was taking his temperature with the glass thermometer, broke the cardinal rule of keeping his mouth shut, and was talking. Of course, the thermometer fell out between words and shattered. Mercury balls went rolling here, there and every where. I managed to roll the balls into one big-ish ball - it’s pretty darn cool - and I had great fun trying to pick it up with index cards. Then I moved onto vacuuming up the glass shards. My vacuum cleaner has convenient “on-board” attachments which I can never locate as the tubular extensions are inconveniently “off-board,” frequently being used by the boys as light sabers and swords. However, having located them in various flower beds this summer and having relocated them to the front closet, I got to use them this morning. But alas, after attaching the weapons of little boy destruction, I found there was a hole in my suction tools/rods/tubes – a hole that was supposed to be there, mind you, as it states “suction tools on or off.” Not to worry, I was clever enough to use my finger to close off the opening – however, I quickly realized this was not as brilliant an idea as I initially thought for sucking up glass thermometer bits.

But now I have finally figured out what that gray thing in the front closet is for. I hope I remember where it goes when I find it out in the daisies next year.

Resurfacing Part B

I have gone back to school.  Currently I'm taking two classes, which were normally 16 weeks long, but now crammed into what they term as an "accelerated 8 week course". That means lots of reading. They are online courses, which means lots of reading on my laptop. Online means go at your own pace, but they don't really mean that. They mean, "we've shoved 16 weeks worth of work into 8 weeks and we expect you to turn it all in by midnight on Sunday each week or you receive a ZERO. No late work is accepted. However, you may do this at anytime you want. Cram it in-between work, driving your kids all over creation... we're flexible!"

Actually, it is flexible and I am fitting it all in somehow, however it is ending up being way more work than traditional college ever was. Did I mention the amount of reading? I am required to write a paper, turn it in, but not to the teacher. Nope. It goes to a discussion board. Everyone in the class gets to read it (roll eyes). And I get to read theirs (roll more eyes - maybe the ones in the back of my head). And I have to respond to their content (in a precise manner... which means in a manner which gets graded). 20+ students in each class means I am reading 40+ papers each week. I can't imagine letting my peers read my papers way back 25 years ago. Some of my classmates would have happily ripped my papers to shreds. I would have been paralyzed with fear to know what I wrote had to pass in front of their eyes.

Did I mention this equates to Way Too Much Reading?

As I am reading, on my laptop, the laptop with the glassy, glossy screen, this old woman is looking right back at me. She won't go away. I see her right now. I see her on dicussion boards, I see her while reading short stories, she is there when I write my papers and post my comments. She never leaves me alone. I think she even eats my chocolate.

When I bought my laptop, the sales person didn't tell me it came with this wrinkly old woman. I don't like her.

I decided to try to do something about her. I bought some of this revolutionary anti-aging cream from Avon. It has actual gold in it. It also has a money-back guarantee, which is one reason I really like Avon. It doesn't work? Send it back. This what the website states: Introducing ANEW Ultimate Night Gold Emulsion. Look 5 years younger in 14 days or your money back! 

Five years younger in two weeks? But how would I tell? 

:)

I put it on only half my face, that's how I would tell. I faithfully used it.  It was sparkly and felt good. I used another cream on the other half of my face. In two weeks, my left side would be five years younger. Or maybe since I only used it on one half of my face, perhaps my face in total would only look 2.5 years younger. I even gave it an extra week. Then I started asking my friends which side looked younger?

They all said the same thing.

The right side. Oh yeh, definitely. The right side does.


The RIGHT SIDE.... that was the wrong side. 

Puh. Yes, Avon is getting it back. I will keep using the other cream. On both sides.

I also have been using this: ANEW Clinical Advanced Dermabrasion System. It's cool in that it has a dialy thingie that gives you control over how much grit you squirt out to rub on your derma. The theory behind dermabrasion is that when one's skin is precisely irritated by extreme control, this stimulates new skin growth, and one looks younger. To gradually irritate the skin has been the key and is typically done surgically, but you guessed it, skincare manufacturers decided to get in on the action. The twisty knob on Avon's dispenser is their key. Here is what is supposed to happen after using this product: 100% of users showed improved skin texture, clarity and tone. Pores begin to shrink, skin-tone is dramatically evened out, deep wrinkles are visibly diminished. Hmmm. I've been using this for a few months now. I haven't noticed all of that, but then again, I didn't do it on just half of my face as it didn't quite seem as practical. I do know that my face feels very clean. Whose face wouldn't after they scrub sand all over it for two solid minutes? Dirt doesn't have a chance.

On the off days of not sanding my face, I use a Daily Resurfacing Cleanser which "instantly" makes the skin look smoother, pores less noticable and in three days, the fine lines and wrinkles are reduced. In two weeks, the skin looks dramatically younger.

uh huh.

All I know is that by Christmas, that old lady in the laptop better start looking like a toddler. Or at least a teenager. Heck, I'd take early 30's at this point ;)

major resurfacing ahead....

resurfacing - part A

I have often wondered when I see the signs "Road Closed", what happens to all those people who actually live on that road that is now closed? Does the Transportation Department contact all those people who live there ahead of time and let them know they can't use the road? And what happens then? Do they move in with friends and family? Do they hunker down until the construction passes? The road is closed, after all.

But sometimes, don't you see someone turn down those roads anyway? Do they have special permission? A hall pass from the DoT?

I live on a dead-end road. My road is connected to another road. I stop at a stop sign and can turn one way on that road and get to a SR... I proceed another way and get to another SR. Very handy connection. Very convenient. However, it is not convenient when you wake up one morning, drive down your road, stop at the stop sign and see the sign "Road Closed".

No one called me. No one told me they were resurfacing. How am I supposed to go anywhere? How do I get from point A to point B?

Ah, I think, they must have left me a jet pack or hover craft. That's what they did.

Unfortunately, I just can't find the darn thing anywhere. oh... wait... it is my JETta... not jet pack. bummer.

I was looking forward to being George Jetson. or Buck Rogers.